Thursday, August 30, 2012

Things That Have Been Happening

Recently, I acquired a master's degree? It came in the mail.

I am in three book clubs, but I arranged it so that in two of them we are reading the same book. EFFICIENCY.

The turtles in Botany Pond keep trying to make a break for it. They tend to get as far as the courtyard on the other side of the building and then get trapped (see photo below). They then have to be rescued and taken back to the pond. Where do they think they are going? Someone should write a heartwarming children's book about this.

Kitchen items I currently covet: full size Cuisinart, espresso machine, Sodastream. Oh, what wouldn't I do for a Sodastream! Fizzy water whenever I desire it! Also, someone told me you can use it to make any wine into sparkling wine. MUST HAVE.

All of these awkward pictures of Gary Bettman are hilarious, but I would rather have no lockout.

Monday, August 20, 2012


Back in the day, I had one policy with regards to arthropods and my house: none allowed. However, a combination of education and laziness has led me to develop the following standards:

HOUSE CENTIPEDES: I had never seen these before I moved to Chicago, and in case you were wondering, yes, they are as terrifying-looking as the picture below. And when they run, all their legs seem to move independently. Yuck. Initially, my response to these guys was to prosecute them with extreme prejudice. But they are really fast, and they often hang out up near the ceiling where they are really hard to reach. Also, they predate on cockroaches. Thus, I now let them live, on the understanding that they are to stay out of my sight as much as possible and kill many roaches.

SPIDERS: Here are the rules for spiders: if you are relatively harmless looking and have located your web in an out of the way place such as the top corner of the wall and the fireplace and you pretty much stay there, then you are welcome to live in my house and snack on gnats and mosquitos. If you are large and hairy, have visible fangs, crawl around too much, or come anywhere near my bed, then I'm sorry. We don't tolerate your kind here.

FLYING BUGS: Eventually I assume you'll find your way out of the holes in the screen where you came in.

MYSTERIOUS RED BUGS: I don't know what these are but I keep finding them. They are quite small and have fat red bodies and frankly they look like ticks, but they can't be because (a) they are too big for ticks, because we are not in Australia, where I shit you not, they have ticks the size of M&Ms and (b) as far as I know there is not a herd of deer living in my building. These don't freak me out too much because they are always either dead or dying and I only find them curled up next to the baseboard in my bathroom. I was going to post a picture but I am afraid if I do someone is going to respond to tell me OH MY GOD THOSE ARE ARGENTINEAN CARVER BEETLES YOUR HOUSE IS PROBABLY RIDDLED WITH HOLES LIKE SWISS CHEESE AND ON THE VERGE OF COLLAPSING LIKE A SHODDILY CONSTRUCTED THIRD-WORLD TENEMENT IN AN EARTHQUAKE ZONE. ALSO YOU PROBABLY HAVE ARGENTINEAN CARVER BEETLE SLEEPING SICKNESS OH YES THIS IS PROBABLY WHY YOU ARE SO LAZY AND NEVER GET ANYTHING DONE ON YOUR PHD.

COCKROACHES: All cockroaches must die an immediate and horrible death.

DISCLAIMER: I just reread this and it really sounds like I am a terrible housekeeper who lives in a swarming pit of filth. Really I don't. They spray the common areas of our building regularly and the apartments if you call and request. I see a cockroach every couple months, usually already dying, often when the weather changes and they come in from the outside. I see house centipedes even more rarely (and they really are your friends). Spiders aren't really around at all in the winter, and maybe I'll see one or two in the summer. The red bugs ARE mysterious though.