Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Hockey & Thomas Jefferson

my brother "This article. Man, this article. This is the kind of hockey article Thomas Jefferson would have written, if he had written about hockey." about this.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012


Detroit actually lost in OT tonight so is at 93 points.

That D. Sedin hit to Keith should in my opinon exonerate Keith from any possible suspension that Shanny was contemplating.

On the phone to my mother:

Me: "You see, we're currently seeded sixth, which puts us up against the third seed for the first round of the playoffs, which will go to the Pacific Division winner and will be a team with a poorer record than we have. But we've been playing well lately and Detroit hasn't, so we're in position to move up, but we don't want to be fifth seed, because that would put us up against Nashville with them having home ice advantage. We either want to be fourth seed, which would still put us up against Nashville but starting on our ice, or stay at sixth. Not to mention that Nashville just got Radulov, Russian badass rumored to be the best hockey player in the world outside the NHL, after a very complicated and not that interesting story involving contracts, the KHL, and restricted free agency."

My mother: "I wish you hadn't told me that. I'll be up all night."

Sarcasm points awarded to my mother.


I wish I had live blogged tonight's hockey game, because it would have been hilarious. Instead, I drank a half a bottle of wine and ate about 500 calories worth of Viennese wafer cookies. However, recreated for you*:

*mostly Jack, since he's the only one who will get most of this.


"Chevy: Drive What Kane and Toews Drive"...except when Jonny drove into an L pole a few weeks ago (sorry, Jonny), he was driving a $200K Mercedes. Well, wouldn't you?

Jim Corneilson sings the Canadian national anthem to respectful silence (or, as close to respectful silence as 21,500 people already half-drunk on bloodlust and overpriced United Center beer can get). Jim Corneilson sings the Star-Spangled Banner to the traditional overwhelming cheers, which, by the way, do not in anyway disrespect America, assholes who don't like our traditions.

1st Period:

Vancouver appears to have stolen our strategy of "score in the first minute." Damn.

Brendan Morrison gets the start because Jamal Mayers is sick. Everyone reminds themselves that Brendan Morrison plays for the Blackhawks.

The PK looks...not to tempt fate, but it looks good.

Everyone remembers that despite our hatred for Bobby Lu, he actually is an elite NHL goaltender.

Good Corey appears to be in the building.

Duncan Keith elbows Daniel Sedin in the face and then argues with the referee about it (?).

Despite normally having a remarkable level of discipline (Vancouver has been shorthanded FORTY MORE TIMES than Chicago this season) the Hawks pick this moment to lose their shit and take a bunch of penalties.

Not much happens, Jack and I speculate about putting Bolland on a line with Kane, and the monetary value of Stalberg's awesomeness.

2nd Period:

Kaner gets his #20.

Bieksa angry face!!!

Kaner gets very pissed about something, loses his helmet, and has to wear Brendan Morrison's.

Everyone punches everyone else a lot.

Duncan Keith and Alexander Burrows each get 14 minutes worth of penalties. Perfect excuse to watch three-year-old footage of the hair-pulling incident several times.

Henrik Sedin takes two bad penalties in a row. Fuck Henrik Sedin.

Despite the dominant 11-3 shot stat in the second period, the Hawks power play remains fucking clown shoes. Even with Johnny Oduya, stone cold badass, on the point.

Just assume that after every whistle there is punching, because that is happening.

2nd Intermission:

Every time I see that Taco Bell Doritos Locos Tacos commercial, I feel (a) astonished that they thought that was a good idea (b) amazed that an ad company used the phrase "who but taco bell would have dared...etc" (c) vaguely ill. (This isn't the right one, but I'm unwilling to spend more than 30 seconds searching for Taco Bell commercials on YouTube.)

3rd Period:

Kane delivers a big hit on Alberts and smirks around his mouthguard, which is, as usual, doing absolutly nothing to guard his mouth.

Correction: Last Year Playoff Awesome Corey is in the building.

Oh, hey, Keith is back from his misconduct.

Corey Crawford is saving our sorry asses.

Vancouver gets away with an egregious too-many-men situation.

Eddie Olyzck uses the phrase "rocked his world" in a way I'm pretty sure was not appropriate.

The only thing I know about David Booth is that he cried when he found out he got traded to Vancouver from Florida, which I find endearing, especially because this was back when Florida really, really sucked.

The UC crowd appears determined to chant "Luuu-oongo, Luuu-oongo" for the rest of the game, which I fully support.

According to secondcityhockey, Pat Foley drinks in the box, which isn't that hard to believe.


Apparently Andy Shaw has "gumption." There's a word you don't hear much anymore.

People don't get just how fast Viktor Stalberg is.

JOHNNY FUCKING ODUYA IS THE MAN*. Oh look, he actually has a nice smile when he's not being a stone cold badass.

*I don't care that it actually went in off Shaw. Not that I don't love Chicken Hawk.

Tied with Detriot and Nashville at 92*!!!

*DET with game in hand and NSH with two in hand and one up on the first tiebreaker. Don't care at all that this was a 3-point game. VAN is as locked into the 2nd seed as possible without it being mathematically certain.

Wish Oduya had been star of the game.

Also, might be the only game of the year where we can call it a goalie win. Crow kept us in it in the 3rd and also came up big in OT.

Kane: "Tell you what, that's a hockey game right there."

Ahh, TSN footage from a different angle shows that Daniel Sedin actually hit Keith high and hard before Keith elbowed him in the face (DIRTY SHOULDER), which is what Keith was trying to tell the refs. D. Sedin didn't come back after that though. See what happens with that - Shane Doan got suspended for a bad elbow this week but Keith has a clean record.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Nancy Drew We Are Not

Last night for reasons I won't go into we tried to pick a lock with a bobby pin. We failed. In the remembered books of my youth, this was always but the work of a moment for the heroine. Did they have simpler locks back then? More sophisticated bobby pins? Or were they just less drunk than we were?

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

More Letters To The Blackhawks

Dear Johnny Oduya,

The word "revelation" is strong, but there's no doubt that you have exceeded all our expectations. Eating up ice time, playing some solid defense, and, though the powerplay is still and always, as second city hockey would have it, fucking clown shoes, you look good on the point. Your goal the other night was a thing of beauty. Also, I like your beard.

Now all that remains is not to fuck it up utterly in the post season like Chris Campoli.


Dear Corey Crawford,

Oh man, after last night it is oh so tempting to hope that you're back. But no one is being foolish enough now to hope for that quick a solution to our shaky goaltending situation. It's heartening not to see much blame heaped on you for your slump. We KNOW you're a great goalie, and that you're in your head right now. Please come back for real. Ray Emery's hips could disintegrate at literally any moment.


Look at that smile. source

Sunday, March 11, 2012


Questions You Ask Yourself As A Grad Student:

Why does the downstairs hall smell like pickles?
What does this data MEAN?
Why does everyone who posts on R help boards come off like a smug, patronizing asshole?
Is it too soon to go get another cup of coffee?
Is it possible we drink too much?
If I get playoff tickets, what's an appropriate excuse I can use to get out of the departmental retreat?

Questions You Ask Yourself As A Blackhawks Fan:
Do we have the goaltending to go deep in the playoffs this year?
How can the powerplay be this bad?
Is it possible to be made physically sick by this powerplay?
Isn't it a little creepy how Brandon Bollig likes to fight so much that he smiles even while he's getting punched in the face?
Does Johnny Oduya's beard have magical properties?
How have the announcers been able to resist making "Oduya" puns every five minutes?

Questions You Ask Yourself As A Person:
Do the Republicans really hate women? Because it sure seems like they do.
How is this even an issue in this day and age?
Is there a point to Daylight Savings Time anymore?
What the hell is up with this weather?
Where does all the dust in my apartment come from?
What would Jane do?

I don't have answers, but I do have this, arrived at after much contemplation.

How To Survive Grad School:

It's pretty simple. Coffee and alcohol. It helps to have friends with which to drink coffee and alcohol, but on balance, I think it's probable the beverages are the most important part of the equation.